How to Do Something Your Don Know: How to Tell Your Date You Have a Child (for Single Mothers)

If you're a single mom, you might view dating like navigating a minefield: you may be afraid to step forward for fear of the unknown. One of those unknowns is telling your date you're a mom. When deciding to tell your date you're a single mother, it's important to approach the issue with confidence and in a straightforward manner. If your date really likes you, your role as a single mom won't scare them away—they'll see your kid as an added bonus!

EditSteps

EditBroaching the Subject Casually

Describe your situation in your online dating profile if you have one. One great way to put the information out there is by casually stating it in your dating profile. Check the box for "single mom" or write a short sentence about your rambunctious 3 year old in your About Me section.^[1]
- By presenting the information in your online dating profile, you are able to weed out candidates who aren't interested in dating a single mom. This may lead to fewer responses, but the responses you do get will be those that are better matched to you—because they will actually be open to dating a single mom like you.
- For example, you might write in your profile, "Single mom to an amazing toddler," when describing yourself.
Ask if your date has kids during initial chats. Whether you meet your date in person or online, pose a question about their own status. This offers you the chance to get to know them better and it serves as an opening to share your own situation.^[2]
- You might say, "So, do you have kids?...I have 2 from a previous marriage."
Use your preliminary conversations as a segue. Mention your role as a single mom when you and your date are chatting about your everyday lives. Simply drop it into a light-hearted conversation rather than making it a big issue.^[3]
- For instance, if your date says, "It's been awhile since I've hung out with anyone as cool as you," you might say “Yes, I'm glad to get out of the house and be around someone besides my 8 year old”.
- After you drop the news, give them time to respond before continuing to discuss your own situation.
Discuss it sooner rather than later. Holding onto the information that you're a single parent can actually be a lie of omission. Put your cards on the table as early as you can—this helps you avoid wasting your time with someone who's lifestyle and/or values don't align with yours.^[4]
- Aim to mention your child within the first few meetings. Otherwise, your date may think you have misled them.

EditContinuing the Conversation

Set up the conversation to go in your favor. If you talk about being a single mom like it's a heavy burden or something to be ashamed of, your date may run away. However, if you speak with confidence and optimism, your date will be more receptive.^[5]
- Say, “I wanted you to know something important about me. I'm the proud mom of a 5 year old girl. Because she is such a big part of me, I like to let my dates know about her early on."
Provide some context about your parenting situation. Give your date a little background about how you came to be in your situation. However, don't go into too much detail too soon or stir up old wounds.^[6]
- For example, you might say, "My daughter's father passed away when she was just a baby" or "We have no relationship with his father—the relationship was toxic."
- If the two of you get closer, there will be other opportunities to disclose more about your past. Don't air your dirty laundry too quickly, though.
Be straightforward about what you're hoping for. If you are hoping for your date to become an eventual co-parent to your child, say so. However, if you just want a no-strings-attached relationship for right now, be clear about that, too.^[7]
- Whatever your aim, communicating your expectations early on helps your date understand what role you'd like them to play. In turn, this gives them the opportunity to bow out early if they are not okay with the circumstances.
- Consider telling your date that you don't want your child to meet any potential partners until the relationship is serious.
Don't take rejection personally. It can be tough being a single mom and putting yourself out there for possible rejection. However, your dates have the freedom to choose who they want to be with—just like you do. Respect their choices and be hopeful that you'll ultimately find the person for you.
- Single-parenting is very common in modern society, so don't feel bad if someone doesn't accept your circumstances. Someone else further down the road will.
- Did rejection tank your confidence? If so, boost your self-esteem by making a list of reasons why you're a great catch. Reread the list whenever you doubt your worth.^[8]

EditMoving Forward

Don't just limit your conversation to your child. As a single mom, you no doubt love and cherish your child. But, your date wants to get to know you. Limit parenting talk to 5 minutes or less. Instead, share your unique interests, hobbies, aspirations and quirks.^[9]
- You might think that talking about your kids non-stop shows devotion to them, but it may actually distance you from your date.
- There's nothing wrong with having a fully adult conversation with someone you're attracted to. Have fun!
- If your date asks questions about your kids or clearly indicates that they want to know more, feel free to go beyond the 5-minute mark.
Share more details about your role as a single mom. You probably left out a lot of the intimate details when you first started dating this person. However, as the relationship grows, you'll want to choose a time to bring your date up to speed on such things. Being open and vulnerable about this will help your date to trust you and deepen the bond that you share.^[10]
- For instance, if within a few weeks or months, you two are getting pretty serious, you might tell your date you need to have a serious talk. Use this conversation to disclose the circumstances that led to you being a single mom.
Have a brief, casual, and age-appropriate talk with your child. Don't lie to your child about your dating life, but don't spill all the beans either. Use their age and maturity level as a guideline for how to have this discussion.^[11]
- With a younger child, for example, you might say, "Mommy has been lonely since Daddy left, so I decided to make a new friend.”
- You might say to an older child, "A guy from work is taking me to the movies. It's not serious right now, but I will let you know if it becomes serious."
Be sure the relationship is serious before making introductions. The repercussions of introducing your date to your children too soon can be long-lasting. Wait it out and be sure that this person is going to be a staple in your life before they meet your kids. Give it a few months to be sure.^[12]
- You might talk to your date to gauge how serious you are. Something like, "So, are we exclusive," or "Where do you see this going?" can help you determine if you're at the point of being serious.
- When introductions do happen, set it up on your kids' terms, such as having your date come over for dinner. That way, your children are in their comfort zone when they meet this new person.
- If you make introductions too soon, your children may form a bond with a person you're not even serious about, so give it time first.
Maintain consistency in your parenting no matter what. If your relationship with your date escalates into a serious relationship, set firm boundaries about the role this person will play in your children's lives. Whether they are coming over to the house on a daily basis or if they move in full-time, you should still be the primary disciplinarian in the household, and you should continue to dedicate time especially for family.^[13]
- Children can become confused and resentful if an outside person enters the picture and starts making radical changes to how things have always been. Keep the same household rules and expectations in place for your children, and ask your date to adjust to the circumstances.
- If your date is around your children often, they may act as an uncle or aunt. This may involve giving gentle advice or nudging them to follow your rules. Assess the relationship between your kids and your date to determine whether they are open and ready to take on a parenting role.
- How involved your date is in parenting will depend on the seriousness of your relationship. For instance, if you have a toddler and marry your date, this person may be more involved in raising your child. Whereas if you had a 15 year old, they may not have as big of a role in parenting.
Find a good balance for co-parenting. If your kids' father is in the picture, you'll need to establish a happy medium for the role he plays in comparison to the role your date plays in parenting. A good way to do this is to have an open and honest conversation with your kids' father and work out a co-parenting plan, particularly if you have a cordial relationship.^[14]
- It should be emphasized that a new partner is not replacing the other parent. However, the role each person plays will depend on how involved the biological father is in your children's lives.
- For instance, in some cases, the biological father might get the children every other week or on weekends, so he has a large role in their parenting. However, in other cases, children may only see their biological father every now and then, so this person plays less of a role in their lives.
Expect the bond between your child and your date to remain, even after a breakup. If you and your date break up after introductions are made, you'll need to be mindful about the separation phase. Children form bonds quite easily, so give them the opportunity to slowly adjust to the transition. This may not apply if the breakup involved hostility. In such a case, a clean break may be necessary.^[15]
- For instance, if they really liked the person, be okay if they still want to call or go to the park with them for a little while after the breakup.
- Also, avoid bringing someone new into the picture for a while, as doing so can be unsettling for your kids. You can probably tell if enough time has passed by how often your kids mention your ex. If they seem to have moved on, then it's probably okay for you to do the same.
- Keep in mind, you might start dating someone new—just avoid having them meet your kids until they've moved on from your ex.