How to Do Something Your Don Know: How to Deal with Attention Seeking Adults

Frequent dramatic displays, exaggerated stories, and over-the-top conflict are often the signs of an attention seeker. If someone is bothering you with these behaviors, the best thing to do is to ignore their antics. Strong personal boundaries can help you stay calm and in control. If the attention seeker is a loved one, however, you might want to see if you can help them overcome their behaviors with the assistance of a mental health professional.

EditSteps

EditReacting to Their Behavior

Ignore them if they do something that bothers you. Ignoring the behavior is the best way to show that it won’t get any attention from you. Don’t look at the attention seeker or ask them to stop. Just simply pretend as though they aren’t doing it.^[1]
- Many attention seekers enjoy negative as well as positive attention. For example, they might whistle because they know it will annoy you and you will snap at them. As hard as it might be, ignore the whistling in the future. Use ear plugs or listen to music while it happens.
- If the person uses stories to get your attention, make an excuse not to listen to them. For example, you might say, “I have to get work done now” or “I’m sorry, but I’m busy at the moment.”
Remain calm during their antics. If you can’t ignore the person, try not to show any emotion while interacting with them. Don’t express anger, frustration, or excitement. Don’t fake being interested either. Just keep a cool, calm expression.^[2]
- For example, if your coworker sits down beside you and starts talking about an argument with your boss, just nod your head along. When they finish, tell them that you need to get back to work.
- Try not to ask any questions if they are telling a story. Respond using short statements like “that’s nice” or “okay” instead.
- That said, if the person has a genuinely good idea or a fun story, don’t be afraid to show your interest. Everyone needs genuine attention now and then. If you’re actually interested in their hobbies or stories, you might enjoy the conversation.
Ask for just the facts if they try to play the victim. Playing the victim is a common way for attention seekers to gain sympathy and compliments. They may tell a dramatic story in which they were targeted and insulted. In response, ask objective questions about the facts of the story, not about the storyteller’s emotions or perspective.^[3]
- For example, if they’re ranting about how a cashier was rude to them, you might say, “What did they say exactly? Did they really call you that to your face? Where was the manager?”
Learn to walk away during dangerous or extreme situations. Attention seekers do what they do for a reaction. Some may engage in increasingly dramatic displays for attention. If the situation gets too much to handle, walk away. This will send them a sign that their antics will not give them the reaction that they want.^[4]
- Don't reward dangerous stunts or pranks with attention. If attention seeker engages in risky activities for attention, tell them outright, “I don’t like seeing you harm yourself. If this continues, I’m not sure we can hang out.”
- If you think the person is in danger of hurting themselves or another person, get them help as soon as possible. Some signs that they may be thinking of suicide include talking about their death, giving away their possessions, or increasing their use of alcohol or drugs.^[5]
- If the person has numerous public displays of crying, screaming, or shouting, you may want to suggest that they see a mental health professional.

EditEstablishing Boundaries

Tell them what behavior you will and won’t tolerate. Make sure that the attention seeker understands that you won’t deal with certain behaviors. If they know that a certain activity won’t get attention from you, they might stop doing it in the future.^[6]
- For example, if you don’t want them touching you, you might tell them, “Would you mind not tapping or grabbing me when you want my attention? How about you knock on my desk if you need me.” Ignore any future touching.
- You might also say something like, "I know you're fond of parkour, but I get nervous when you show me videos of you jumping off buildings. Please don't show me anymore."
Set time limits for conversations and talks. An attention seeker can quickly take up your day with their stories and needs. To help you break away, tell them at the beginning exactly how long you have to hang out or talk. When time is up, the conversation is over.^[7]
- For example, if they call you, you might say, “Hey, I can only talk for 15 minutes. What’s up?”
- If you’re hanging out with them, try saying something like, “Let’s get lunch, but I have to leave by 2:00.”
- Set an alarm on your phone to tell you when you need to cut off the conversation. When it goes off, it is a signal to you and the other person that the conversation has to end.
Stop following their social media accounts. Some people might overshare or post too much too on social media, like Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter. If these posts are annoying you, just unfriend the person or remove their posts from your feed.^[8]
- Posting too much on social media might be a sign that the person wants more of a human connection. If this is someone you care about, reach out to them by phone or in person, and ask them to hang out.
- If they post controversial material on social media, you may be tempted to leave a comment or respond. Try to resist this urge.
Minimize contact if they are causing stress, anxiety, or annoyance. If the attention seeker is creating too much of a burden in your life, cut off contact if possible. If this isn’t possible, reduce your interactions as much as possible.^[9]
- For family members, you might schedule 1 phone call a month or exchange pleasantries at family events. You don’t have to constantly accept their calls, however.
- Tell attention-seeking coworkers that you prefer only to discuss work-related matters, especially in the office. If they try to come to you with office drama, give them a time limit before returning to work.

EditSupporting Loved Ones

Determine if there is an underlying cause to their behavior. Attention-seeking behaviors can sometimes be a result of trauma, neglect, or other stressful situations. It can also be a sign of low self-esteem or feelings of inadequacy. If this is someone you care about, try to find a time to chat to see if there is something that is causing this behavior.^[10]
- You might start this conversation by saying, “Hey, I want to check in. Has everything been going all right lately?”
- If the other person doesn’t want to talk, they don’t have to. You can simply tell them something like, “If you ever do want to talk, just let me know.”
Boost their self-esteem when they are not actively seeking your attention. Your loved one might be worried that no one will care for them if they don’t constantly seek out their attention and approval. Let the person know that you will love them, even when you’re not directly paying them attention.^[11]
- You might send them a random text that says, “Hey, I was just thinking about you. Hope you’re having a great day!” or “I just want you to know how much I appreciate everything you do.”
- You even tell them something like, “Even if we’re apart, you’re still important to me.”
- It is important to approach them yourself so that they don’t have a chance to try to grab your attention. This will help reassure them that they don’t need to resort to drama or conflict to get positive attention.
Suggest that they get professional help if you think they will hurt themselves. Extreme behavior might manifest as threatening to hurt or kill themselves, locking themselves in rooms, or breaking down over minor events. These are usually signs of underlying mental health issues. The good news is, your loved one can get support and treatment from a mental health professional.^[12]
- You might tell your loved one, "I've noticed that you seemed really upset lately. I love you, and I want to make sure you get the help you need."
- These behaviors may be a call for help. Try not to dismiss these threats as just attention seeking. They may very well be legitimate.
- Personality disorders, like Histrionic Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder, may cause people to engage in extreme attention-seeking behaviors.