How to Do Something Your Don Know

A complete guide on how to dump a friend without hurting them

Breaking up with a significant other is hard, but breaking up with a friend can be even harder. When you have a fight with a friend you know you can't resolve, or you just don't have that much in common anymore, it may be time to pull the plug. But how can you do so without hurting their feelings? In this article, we’ll guide you through the process of breaking up with a friend. We won’t sugarcoat it—it’ll be tough—but the best thing you can do is do what you think is right.

This article is based on an interview with our licensed clinical psychologist, Kim Chronister.

[Edit]Things You Should Know

Do your best to be honest with your friend. Friendships naturally fade over time; if you’re not feeling it anymore, the respectful thing to do is say so.
Break things off in a public place away from other friends and people you may know. This way, you can both grieve without watchful eyes.
Alternatively, consider letting the friendship naturally fizzle out. The less you talk and hang out with someone, the less inclined they’ll be to stay in your social circle.

[Edit]Steps

[Edit]Confronting the Person

Arrange a time and place to meet with them privately. A face-to-face conversation might be in order if you don’t want to keep them guessing. Parks and coffee shops are great meet-up spots because they're neutral, public locations. Even though things might get emotional during your conversation, you'll both be likely to keep things contained if you're in a public place.^[1]
- Avoid having a long meal together since you might be ready to go before the food even arrives.
- If you don't want to meet in person, breaking up with your friend over the phone is fine. However, avoid doing it over text, as it can be harder to express yourself.
- Don’t break up with a friend in front of people you both know. This can be deeply embarrassing and hurtful.
- It's always best to have a conversation, if possible. Ghosting (or never talking to your friend again without explanation) could devastate them.
Tell your friend why you're ending it openly and honestly. Be straightforward about why you don't want to be friends. Did your friend cheat with your partner? Are you on different life paths? Whatever the reason, now is the time to spell it out. Telling your friend exactly what's going on is a brave thing to do, and in the end, the person will likely be glad to know what happened.^[2]
- Use “I” statements when explaining how you feel. This way, you express your emotions without pointing blame. For instance, try saying, “I feel like we’re moving in different directions, and I think it may be best to explore new friendships,” instead of, “You’re different, and you probably want to meet new people.”^[3]
- You might also try something like, “I wanted to talk to you about our friendship. Honestly, when I saw you hanging out with Jake, it really hurt. I told you I like him. If you can’t respect our friend code, maybe we shouldn’t be as close anymore.”
- There are situations when being straightforward isn’t the kindest way to end a friendship. If you just don't like the person anymore, through no fault of their own, there's no reason to say it out loud. If this is the case, opt to let the friendship naturally fade.
Give your friend a chance to respond. Your friend may get defensive, apologize, or do a mix of both after your confrontation. Listen and hear them out, just in case there's the tiniest chance you want to stay friends after all. If there’s a possible misunderstanding, you'll want to know. If not, continue the breakup process.
- Know that you’re not obligated to mend the friendship after hearing them out. Let them say their peace, then do what you think is best.
Set boundaries to establish rules for the breakup. Maybe you want to cut things off for good here and now, or perhaps you're fine seeing the person every now and then in a group setting. Whatever the case, be clear that this is a breaking point, and things will be different from now on. Share your boundaries up front so you won't be tempted to back down later. Basically, lay down the ground rules for what’s acceptable moving forward and what’s not (for both of you).^[4]
- If you never want to talk again, tell the person you won't be in touch after this and that you don't want to hear from them either.
- If you're still fine hanging out in a group but don't want to have one-on-one talks, it's fine to say that. It's also fine to say that you might be open to renewing the friendship later (but only if you mean it).
- If they truly respect you and the friendship you once had, they'll respect the boundaries you set up.^[5]
Stick to your boundaries, no matter what. If the person tries to get in touch or win you back over, don't respond. You've said your peace, heard the person out, and now your obligations as a friend are over. Just like when you break up with a significant other, breaking up with a friend means you don't have to be responsible for that person anymore.^[6]
- This is easier said than done. If your former friend is upset, ignoring their calls and texts might be hard.
- If you're serious about breaking up this friendship, don't let the person cross your boundaries. You'll give them the wrong impression and make things harder in the future.
- Remember, you have nothing to feel guilty about, especially if you followed your heart and are doing what you feel is best.^[7]

[Edit]Letting the Friendship Fade

Stop calling and texting your friend if you feel the friendship fading. To break up a friendship, slow down communication. Stop getting in touch with your friend to talk or make plans. Chatting isn’t off the table per se, but don’t go out of your way to initiate a conversation if you don’t feel like it’ll naturally come.^[8]
- When 2 friends are naturally ready to part ways, it likely won’t be difficult to lose touch. You'd probably both rather be doing other things, so it won't feel like a big sacrifice not hanging out or talking as much.
- On the other hand, if a friend isn't feeling the same way you are about the friendship, being in touch less may hurt their feelings. Unfortunately, avoiding hurt feelings is hard when you're ending a friendship. Just remember to be as kind as possible, and know that you’re not in charge of how others feel—sometimes, you have to do what’s best for you.
Keep conversations light and end them quickly. Friends get closer by having deep, revealing conversations where they get to know each other more. To pull away from a friend, stop having big heart-to-hearts. When you talk, stick to surface-level topics like you would with an acquaintance. Talk about the weather, what they had for dinner, or about your pets.^[9]
- If your friend wants to talk about private matters, like their relationships, steer the conversation in a safer direction. Change the subject so they don't get the chance to tell you their deeper feelings.
Politely decline invitations to hang out with them. It might take a while for a friend to catch on that you're not feeling the friendship anymore. A sure way to create some distance is to decline invitations politely but firmly. If they ask you to hang out, say a quick, “I can’t make it. But I hope you have a great time!” or “I actually already saw that movie, but don’t not see it because of me! I’m sure someone else would love to go.”^[10]
- Use this as an opportunity to tell your friend the truth about how you're feeling about the friendship. Sometimes, putting everything out in the open can help things move along.^[11]
- If you’re not ready to share the truth or are worried about hurting their feelings, consider making up an excuse. Say you’re busy with homework, have to walk your dog, or have other plans. Just know that the more excuses you make, the more suspicious they may become.^[12]
Let the friendship come to a stop gradually. If you're growing apart with a friend, don't fight it. This fade-out method is best for when you and a friend are simply growing apart. Maybe there's no concrete reason you don't like the person anymore; you're just interested in other things and other people—your lives are going in different directions. Start spending your time how you want to spend it, hanging out with people and doing activities you enjoy. Chances are, your friend will do the same, and you'll start drifting apart without making a big deal about it.^[13]
- Best case scenario, they catch on that you've moved on from the friendship and decide to go their own way too.
- Worst case scenario, they ask what's going on. More often they not, the best solution in this case is to give them an honest explanation. Don’t leave the friendship on a bad note, but rather explain why and how you feel like you’re drifting apart.
Consider the silent treatment for abusive friendships. If the friend you want to break up with has been physically or emotionally abusive or manipulative, you don't owe them anything. End the toxic friendship by stopping all contact, unfriending them on social media, and avoiding them whenever possible.^[14]
- If you try to talk about it, they may make you feel like you are the one who did something wrong. Don't get wrapped up in that drama. If you know the person is going to make things hard for you, just cut it off cold turkey—you’re under no obligation to give any explanation, especially if they’ve hurt you.

[Edit]Handling the Aftermath

Deal with your former friend's emotions. Being dumped isn’t easy. Be prepared that they may cry, beg for you to be friends again, or even get extremely angry. You were strong enough to break up with your friend, and you're strong enough to deal with the aftermath. Try not to let yourself get wrapped up in their emotions. Instead, stick to your boundaries and do what’s best for you.
Beware of passive-aggressive behavior. A former friend may try to make your life harder in small, negative ways. This is especially true if you go to school together or work in the same place and have to see each other frequently. For instance, they might try to turn others against you, spread gossip about you, or make you look bad. Stay strong. You may not be in charge of their reactions, but you are in charge of your own. Sometimes the best defensive is kindness.^[15]
- Think of it this way: their passive-aggressive behavior only solidifies that you made the right decision in ending the friendship.
- If the behavior escalates to violence and/or threats, you may need to take further action. Talk to your teachers or supervisors and seek help if you feel like you’re the target of bullying.
- In extreme cases, if they don’t leave you alone and their behavior constitutes harassment, consider filing a restraining order.^[16]
Realize the breakup might affect other friendships too. Breaking up with a friend often affects the people you both know. If you’re in the same social circles or friend groups, understand that some people may take sides. If this happens, take a deep breath and know those friends weren’t worthy of you either.^[17]
Take care of yourself by surrounding yourself with joyful activities and people. You'll probably feel a sense of freedom after breaking up with a bad friend. Even so, breakups can be tough. It isn't easy to let someone go, and the consequences can last much longer than expected. After the friendship is officially over, make a point to spend time with people who make you feel good and make time to do things that make you happy.^[18]
- Surprisingly, you may grieve the friendship you once had (even if you decided to end it), and that’s okay! Every friendship has good and bad memories, and mourning the good times is normal. You were friends for a reason, even if your relationship eventually turned sour. Feeling sad is completely normal.

[Edit]Video

[Edit]Tips

When in doubt, ask for advice from trusted loved ones. Who knows? They may have gone through a similar situation before and can give you some insight.^[19]

[Edit]Related wikiHows

[Edit]References

[Edit]Quick Summary

[_note-1] ttps://time.com/5406794/how-to-break-up-with-someone/

[_note-2] [v161872_b01]. 28 July 2021.

[_note-3] ttps://www.bumc.bu.edu/facdev-medicine/files/2011/08/I-messages-handout.pdf

[_note-4] ttps://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/setting-healthy-boundaries-in-relationships.htm

[_note-5] [v161872_b01]. 28 July 2021.

[_note-6] ttps://www.helpguide.org/articles/relationships-communication/setting-healthy-boundaries-in-relationships.htm

[_note-7] [v161872_b01]. 28 July 2021.

[_note-8] ttps://www.chatelaine.com/health/sex-and-relationships/how-to-end-a-friendship-six-tips-to-doing-it-gracefully/

[_note-9] ttps://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/experimentations/202304/7-strategies-people-use-to-end-friendships

[_note-10] ttps://www.self.com/story/saying-no-to-invitations

[_note-11] ttps://www.npr.org/2023/03/21/1165070213/when-a-friendship-ends

[_note-12] ttps://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/experimentations/202304/7-strategies-people-use-to-end-friendships

[_note-13] ttps://www.npr.org/2023/03/21/1165070213/when-a-friendship-ends

[_note-14] ttps://www.thesource.org/post/10-signs-youre-in-a-toxic-friendship

[_note-15] ttps://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/constructive-wallowing/201711/how-respond-passive-aggressive-behavior

[_note-16] ttps://www.courts.ca.gov/1044.htm

[_note-17] ttps://ideas.ted.com/how-to-get-over-a-friendship-breakup/

[_note-18] ttps://www.npr.org/2023/03/21/1165070213/when-a-friendship-ends

[_note-19] ttps://kidshealth.org/en/teens/break-up.html

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