Maybe you are shocked and appalled because your partner just came home with a surprise tattoo. Or maybe you told your partner in advance that you don’t like tattoos but they got one anyway. Regardless of the exact circumstances, you hate tattoos and your partner now has one. The best way to cope with your partner’s tattoo is to communicate your feelings to your partner, discover why your partner got a tattoo, and come to terms with the tattoo. Also, remember that you are with your partner because of the emotional connection you have with them, and not because of what they look like. Changing their appearance slightly with a tattoo should not change your emotional connection with your significant other.
EditSteps
EditDiscovering Why Your Partner Got a Tattoo
- Ask your partner the significance of the tattoo. Many people get tattoos that have some form of significance or symbolic meaning. Ask your partner what their tattoo represents. This may help you understand the tattoo better and come to terms with it.[1]
- For example, a tattoo of a name, initials, or a date may symbolize the death of a family member or close friend.
- Alternatively, the tattoo could symbolize a hobby or passion. For example, of a tree may symbolize a passion for the outdoors.
- Some tattoos are also meant as a form of motivation. For instance, they provide something to look at on a bad day to give inspiration.
- Find out what motivated them to get a tattoo. Certain events, such as a major birthday, a new job, the completion of a degree, or the birth of a child, could motivate an individual to get a tattoo. In these cases the tattoo is meant to commemorate or celebrate a certain occasion. You may be more inclined to accept the tattoo despite the fact that you don’t like it, if you realize that a major event motivated your partner to get the tattoo.
- Listen to your partner. When your partner is explaining the origins of their tattoo, it is important that you actively listen to them. This will demonstrate that you care about what they are saying and are interested in learning about their tattoo. This will also help you and your partner have a constructive conversation about the tattoo, rather than just getting into an argument.[2]
- Lean in to the conversation, make eye contact, and nod occasionally to demonstrate that you are listening.
- Ask follow up questions to show that you are engaged in the conversation.
- Accept that they may not have a "good" reason. Your partner may not have a "good" reason (in your opinion) for getting a tattoo, but they may feel as though their reason for getting the tattoo was a good one. Even after they have explained the tattoo, you may continue to disagree with the decision. Try and accept the fact that maybe your partner just wanted a tattoo and likes the concept of body art. It is important to respect your partner’s decisions about how they want their body to look.
- Remember that a tattoo may change your partner’s appearance slightly, but it will not change the bond that you share with your partner.
EditCommunicating Your Feelings
- Explain your apprehension before they get a tattoo. If your partner has been thinking about getting a tattoo for a while, you should explain why you don't like tattoos before they actually get one. For instance, maybe tattoos are a trigger for you and bring back unpleasant memories and experiences. Or maybe you find tattoos unprofessional and unattractive. Once you explain why you don't like tattoos, your partner may decide not to get one.[3]
- Remember that your partner has the right to control the appearance of their own body. Avoid using your apprehension about tattoos as a way to manipulate your partner into not getting a tattoo. You can share your apprehension, but try to be respectful of your partner’s wishes.
- Share your feelings after the fact. If your partner comes home with a surprise tattoo without any warning, you should still vocalize your feelings. However, be sure to be respectful and keep in mind that your partner has the right to do what they want to do with their body. For example, you could say "I wish you would have told me you wanted to get a tattoo; that way we could have talked about it in advance and come to a compromise." This will allow you to get your feelings off your chest and you and your partner can come to an understanding.[4]
- If your partner got a surprise tattoo of your name or image, it was likely intended as a nice gesture. You should not be overly critical because they are trying to demonstrate their commitment and feelings towards your relationship.
- Use a calm and gentle tone. When you are talking with your partner about their new tattoo, do not shout or use an aggressive tone. Instead, you should approach the conversation in a calm and gentle manner. This way you are not attacking your partner, but instead trying to come to an understanding. Take a deep breath before speaking.[5]
- You could also try taking some time to cool down before approaching your partner about their new tattoo.
- Ask your partner to include you next time. Perhaps you are upset because your partner did not tell you about the tattoo in advance. As a result, you feel as though your partner does not value your opinion. Explain to your partner that you feel overlooked and disrespected. If your partner understands that your negative response is coming from a place of hurt, they may be able to understand your position better and will include you the next time they decide to make a major change to their appearance.[6]
EditComing to Terms With Your Partner’s Tattoo
- Realize this is not your decision. Once you and your partner have talked openly and honestly about the tattoo, you need to respect that this is not your body and therefore not your decision. You may not like the tattoo, but if you want to remain in a relationship with your partner, then it is a good idea to accept the fact that you have no control over what your partner puts on their body.[7]
- You can always offer your opinion, but the ultimate decision is up to your partner about whether or not to get a tattoo.
- Determine if the tattoo is a deal breaker for you. You may decide that you dislike tattoos so much that you can no longer be in a relationship with your partner. In some instances, the best way for you to cope is to leave the relationship. For example, if your partner got a tattoo that you found offensive, you may decide that you cannot be in a relationship with that person anymore. Try asking yourself some questions to determine your feelings for this person:
- “What was it that initially attracted me to my partner? Is that attraction still there, or has it changed now because of the tattoo? Why?”
- “What is the true root cause of my concerns with the tattoo?”
- “What emotions am I feeling that are associated with the tattoo? Why am I feeling these emotions? Are the emotions actually attached to the tattoo, or the fact that my partner made the decision without talking to me?”
- “Is the root cause of my emotions/concerns something that I can control or manage through healthy coping skills? Is it something that may need to be address with a counseling professional? Or is this something I am able to resolve on my own?”
- Look for something positive about the tattoo. You may be able to cope best with the tattoo if you are able to find something you like about it. For instance, maybe it is small and not that noticeable so you can learn to live with it. Or maybe the tattoo is in a non-visible location and is predominantly hidden by clothes. Try and find something positive about the tattoo to help you cope.
- As time goes on you will likely get used to the tattoo.
EditTips
- Always talk with your partner before they get a tattoo. This way you can have an open and honest conversation prior to the tattoo.
- If you really don’t like the tattoo, you could ask your partner to get it removed.
EditSources and Citations
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