How to Stop Oversharing

Discover why you may have a problem with oversharing and how you can shift the conversation

Do you find yourself sharing intimate details about your life with a total stranger? Or, maybe you look back on a conversation with a coworker and realize you were talking the entire time. Oversharing is easy to do, and it’s a problem that many of us deal with. Whether you overshare to fill awkward silences or just because you don’t know what else to talk about, we’ve got you covered: we’ve compiled the best conversation tips to avoid oversharing and learn more about who you’re talking to instead.

[Edit]Things You Should Know

• Practice active listening skills and ask your conversation partner questions to learn more about them.
• Pause for 1 to 2 seconds to think about what you’re going to say to avoid accidentally oversharing.
• Change the subject to a more comfortable, neutral topic if you find yourself oversharing.
• Avoid posting on social media when you feel upset or overwhelmed.

[Edit]Steps

[Edit]How to Stop Yourself from Oversharing

1. Pause for 1 to 2 seconds before speaking. When we talk without thinking, sometimes we end up sharing more than we meant to. Before you launch into a story, take a moment to pause and think about what you’re going to say. That way, you can think about what you’d like to say and avoid anything you don’t want to talk about.^[1]
   
2. Practice active listening skills. Sometimes, oversharing is a result of not listening to your conversation partner. Practice active listening skills by getting rid of distractions and making eye contact with the person you’re chatting with. Think of follow-up questions to ask them so you can learn more about them and what they’re saying.^[2]
   
   • Great questions to ask during a conversation include, “Wow, what happened next?” or, “How did that make you feel?”
3. Ask questions about the people you’re with. It’s important to learn a little bit about someone before you dive into the details of your own life. To avoid oversharing, ask questions about the other person’s occupation, living situation, and hobbies. That way, they can share more about themselves, and you can both learn a thing or two about each other.^[3]
   
   • “So, how long have you lived in the area?”
   • “What’s your favorite way to relax on the weekends?”
   • “Do you have any pets?”
4. Change the topic of conversation. Maybe a conversation is headed in a direction that carries a lot of emotional weight for you. If you don’t want to talk about something (relationship problems, past trauma, grief, etc.), casually change the subject by giving them a compliment or pointing out something about your environment.^[4]
   
   • “I love your hoodie! Where’d you get it?”
   • “Whoa, look at that rose bush! Those colors are so vibrant.”
   • “Aww, check out that cute dog over there! I’d love to get a dog like that one day.”
5. Set clear boundaries for yourself before you start talking. In your head, make a list of topics that you don’t want to talk about with an acquaintance or a stranger. When you find yourself veering toward those subjects, use the methods above to avoid them. That way, you can stop yourself from oversharing from the get-go.^[5]
   
   • For instance, you might avoid talking about your own relationship or any family drama that’s happening with you right now.
6. Avoid social media when you’re feeling emotional. Oversharing doesn’t always happen in person. When you’re upset, you might find that you post things you normally wouldn’t on your social media accounts. To avoid oversharing on social media, log out of your accounts any time you’re feeling overwhelmed or distraught. That way, you won’t be tempted to tell people things online that you don’t actually want to share.^[6]
   

[Edit]Why do I overshare?

1. There’s a false sense of intimacy between you two. Do you find yourself sharing intimate details of your life to your hairdresser or nail technician? When someone is in your personal space or you spend a lot of time together, you might feel like you’re closer than you actually are. However, just because this person is inside your bubble or you see them every month doesn’t mean that you two are actually close.^[7]
   
2. You don’t feel as judged by strangers. Maybe you overshare to the person you’re next to on a flight, or you tell funny stories from your past to the person you’re sitting next to in a waiting room. When you know it’s unlikely that you’ll ever see that person again, you feel better oversharing with them, because they can’t judge you as much as a friend or family member could.^[8]
   
3. You’re trying to fast-track the relationship. When you meet someone cool for the first time, you probably want to get to know them (and fast). However, that “getting to know you” stage is important. Instead of learning more about who they are and what they like to do for fun, you might overshare personal details of your own life to build a relationship super quickly.^[9]
   
4. You have social anxiety. Social anxiety is more than just being shy. If you’re a socially anxious person, you might be so afraid of being judged by others that it clouds your ability to read social cues. Social anxiety might make you overshare, especially to strangers, so that you can avoid uncomfortable silences and awkward moments.^[10]
   
5. You have attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). ADHD can cause poor impulse control and hyperactivity, especially during conversations. If you’re excited about the topic or you’re having a great time talking to someone, you might find that you overshare without realizing it until later.^[11]
   
6. You’re feeling emotional (especially on social media). Emotions can drive our actions if we let them. You might find that when you’re feeling down in the dumps or angry about something, posting on social media makes you feel better. It’s a way to reach out to others for support without directly asking for it.^[12]
   
7. You’re trying to make someone else feel comfortable. Maybe you’re not the one who started oversharing in the first place—maybe your conversation partner just revealed some childhood trauma or a deep-seated phobia. You may feel like you have to share intimate details about yourself so the other person doesn’t feel awkward.^[13]
   

[Edit]Why Oversharing Can Be Harmful

1. It can make others feel uncomfortable. Maybe the person you’re talking to doesn’t feel comfortable enough with you yet to share details about their own life. Or, maybe the topic you’re talking about isn’t one they feel okay discussing. Oversharing might make your conversation partner feel awkward, and they may not know how to handle the situation.^[14]
   
2. It can make other people feel drained or overwhelmed. Hearing about someone else’s personal trauma or life story can make other people feel tired. It can take a lot of emotional energy to ask the right questions and be empathetic, especially to a person they don’t know that well.^[15]
   
3. It can leave a digital footprint online. Whenever you post something on the internet, it’s there forever (even if you delete it). Oversharing about your life can negatively impact your job prospects in the future, so it’s good to stay conscious about what you’re posting and how potential employers might see it.^[16]
   

[Edit]Signs You’re Oversharing

1. You don’t know much about the people you’re talking to. When we overshare, we tend to talk about ourselves more than we let other people talk. If you look around the room and realize that you don’t know much about anyone else, it’s likely that you’ve been overhearing a bit too much.^[17]
   
2. You tend to skip small talk. Small talk gets a bad reputation, but it’s actually super important! If you find yourself skipping over the “What do you do for work?” or, “How do you like living in the area?” conversations, you may be oversharing a bit. These baseline interactions are appropriate for people we don’t know well, and it helps build a solid relationship that can grow at a normal pace.^[18]
   
3. You’re always planning out what you’re going to say next. Instead of listening to the people around you, you might find yourself thinking about the story you’re going to share or the tidbit you want to talk about. While we all plan out what we’re going to say to some extent, doing this probably means you aren’t giving your full attention to your conversation partner.^[19]
   
4. You’re talking about yourself in a professional setting. When it comes to sharing things about yourself at work, less is always more. If you’re at work or a networking event and you find yourself sharing intimate details about yourself, you’re likely oversharing.^[20]
   

[Edit]Video

[Edit]References

1. ↑ https://www.understood.org/en/articles/adhd-and-oversharing-what-you-need-to-know
2. ↑ https://www.understood.org/en/articles/adhd-and-oversharing-what-you-need-to-know
3. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/out-the-ooze/202001/why-small-talk-is-big-deal
4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201607/5-reasons-we-tell-people-more-than-we-should
5. ↑ https://phys.org/news/2022-08-people-overshare-online-expert-social.html
6. ↑ https://phys.org/news/2022-08-people-overshare-online-expert-social.html
7. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201607/5-reasons-we-tell-people-more-than-we-should
8. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201607/5-reasons-we-tell-people-more-than-we-should
9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201607/5-reasons-we-tell-people-more-than-we-should
10. ↑ https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/social-anxiety-disorder-more-than-just-shyness
11. ↑ https://www.additudemag.com/oversharing-rsd-rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-hyperverbal-adhd/
12. ↑ https://phys.org/news/2022-08-people-overshare-online-expert-social.html
13. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/what-mentally-strong-people-dont-do/201607/5-reasons-we-tell-people-more-than-we-should
14. ↑ https://www.crisoregon.org/cms/lib/OR01928264/Centricity/Domain/45/ADHD%20and%20Oversharing-%20Why%20Kids%20Say%20Too%20Much.pdf
15. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/trauma-dumping
16. ↑ https://www.crisoregon.org/cms/lib/OR01928264/Centricity/Domain/45/ADHD%20and%20Oversharing-%20Why%20Kids%20Say%20Too%20Much.pdf
17. ↑ https://psychcentral.com/health/trauma-dumping#signs
18. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/out-the-ooze/202001/why-small-talk-is-big-deal
19. ↑ https://csuglobal.edu/blog/what-active-listening-4-tips-improving-communication-skills
20. ↑ https://phys.org/news/2022-08-people-overshare-online-expert-social.html