Whether you’ve been seeing someone for a couple of weeks or a couple of years, discussing your past can be tricky. While it’s important to be honest, it’s also important to consider your new partner’s feelings. Discuss your dating history effectively by having an honest conversation, informing them of necessary information, and avoiding common issues.
[Edit]Steps
[Edit]Discussing Your Past
- Choose the right time. Wait until things become a bit serious with someone before discussing your dating history. You do not need to talk about your exes on the first date, and doing so will likely not land you a second. But, if a month or so has passed and you want to progress with them, now could be the right time.[1]
- Talking truthfully about your dating history is a good way to build trust and strengthen an already-established relationship. By opening up about your past, you are allowing yourself to be vulnerable with the other person.
- If somebody asks about your dating history on a first date and you don't want to go into great depth on that yet, you can say something like "Here's the 30 second version." That way you answer their question without having to delve into detail.[2]
- Set aside the time to talk. Talk about your past in a nice, quiet location when the two of you have plenty of time to chat. You might choose to go on a walk or to sit out on the balcony with a glass of lemonade.
- Avoid having this discussion during times when they are stressed at work or school.
- Open up with a question. Ask something like “What is the most important lesson that you learned from a past relationship?” Once they share their story, you can begin to share stories of your own.[3]
- You might say something like “I learned to never take my partner for granted. When I dated my ex, she was always asking me to spend time with her and I rarely did, so she broke up with me. I don’t want her back, but I did learn that you can’t maintain so much distance from people.”
- Share information relevant to your relationship now. Talk about the lessons that you learned from past relationships that can help with how you date now. Avoid going off on long tangents about exes; instead relate things back to your current partner.[4]
- You can say “When I dated Trevor, I learned to be more open minded about politics. That’s why it was important for me to watch the debates with you and learn about your views.”
- Answer questions. You may have told your new partner something pretty heavy about a past relationship. This may leave them with several questions or concerns. Be honest with them, but also let them know if you feel uncomfortable.[5]
- For instance, perhaps you shared that you were abused by an ex. They might begin to ask a lot of questions which bring up painful memories for you. Let them know that you can talk more about it later.
- Emphasize what you like about your current partner. In order to make your new love more comfortable, use this time to compliment them. You do not need to bash your exes, but you can talk about how your past has brought you to a more bright and hopeful present.[6]
- You might say “After dating Chris, I knew I could never date another smoker. Dating you, I appreciate how concerned you are about your health. I really respect that.”
- Address any potential embarrassments. If you have a limited dating history or have had only short-lived relationships, you might feel uncomfortable discussing your past. However, take what you have learned from these experiences and use them to improve your current relationship.
- For instance, if you haven’t dated much, you might have used that time to focus on work or school, but have learned that life without love isn’t much fun.
- From short relationships, you might have learned exactly what you don’t need from a partner, or you may have corrected some of your own faults because of them.
- Bear in mind that if your partner is unable to accept these things about you, they might not be the right person for you.
[Edit]Divulging Important Information
- Inform them if you are divorced or have children. Sharing your dating history is important, but if you were married or have children, let them know early on. For some, these things might be dealbreakers.[7]
- Share information like this on the first or second date.
- If you do have children, it might be a good idea to think ahead of time about when you would realistically feel comfortable introducing them to your significant other.[8]
- Let them know if you still talk to your ex. Talking to your current partner about your past can be tricky if you are still friends with any exes. But, they deserve to know. Be sure to let them know how often you communicate and whether you spend time together.[9]
- You might say “I’m still friends with Gabriella, who I dated two years ago. We text every so often and sometimes have lunch. We don’t have any romantic feelings for one another anymore.”
- Tell them if you have dated someone they know. In some cases, you may have had a relationship or fling with someone your new partner knows. If they are friends, coworkers, or close acquaintances, then you should share this information as soon as possible.
- Say “I noticed from your social media that you know Frank. He and I dated for about three months last year. I don’t know how close the two of you are, but I thought you should know.”
- Inform them of any pending issues with an ex. You and an ex may have shared a home, car, or business together. Or maybe you two have the same friend group and have to be around one another often. Whatever the case, be sure to let your new partner know of any unfinished business the two of you may have.[10]
[Edit]Avoiding Common Mistakes
- Be honest about your history. Though it can be tempting to lie to avoid tough questions, typically the truth always comes out. If you lie or omit important issues from the start, they may linger and come back to cause problems later in the relationship. Tell your dating partner what they want to know and avoid lies of omission. If you feel uncomfortable with a certain topic, tell them you don’t want to talk about that.[11]
- Keep the details to a minimum. Discussing your dating history does not mean that you need to discuss how your ex’s silvery blonde hair glistened in the moonlight. Mention key aspects of your relationship like length, important events, and why things ended, and keep it at that.[12]
- Don’t judge. Your new partner might share some secrets about their past that might be tough for you to hear. However, be open minded with them and avoid judging them on their past. We all make mistakes, but if you can see that they’ve grown, give them the benefit of the doubt.[13]
- For instance, if they tell you that they cheated a few years back, you might want to give them a chance. However, if they have cheated on everyone they’ve dated, this is a red flag.
- Be mindful of red flags. While it is good to keep an open mind and give people a chance, trust your instincts and be cautious about potential problem signs. It’s easy to fall into the same relationship pitfalls over and over, because we seek comfort in the familiar (even if the familiar is not necessarily good).[14]
- For example, if you broke up with your last partner because they were too emotionally distant, pay attention to signs of the same issue with your current partner.
- Be wary of discussing your sexual past. Discussing the number of sexual partners you’ve had or sexual experiences in general can be tricky. You want to be honest with your partner, but being too honest can spark jealousy. If you talk a lot about how much past sexual experience you’ve had, your current partner may begin to feel like just another “conquest.” Keep talk of your sexual past to a minimum. Stick to generalities, and only discuss it in detail if it’s relevant to your partner’s questions.[15]
- However, if you have an STD, you should disclose this before having sex with anyone.
[Edit]Related wikiHows
- Avoid the Most Common Mistakes Men Make with Online Dating
- Respond When Asked About Dating a Friend
- Enjoy Dating
- Smell Seductive on Dates
[Edit]References
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- ↑ http://www.datingadvice.com/for-men/how-to-discussing-dating-histories
- ↑ [v161414_b01]. 8 May 2020.
- ↑ http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/When_to_Share_Your_Relationship_History_While_Dating_Someone_New.html
- ↑ http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/When_to_Share_Your_Relationship_History_While_Dating_Someone_New.html
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/some-assembly-required/201703/how-have-difficult-conversations
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-and-gratitude/201304/10-ways-express-love
- ↑ http://www.cnn.com/2007/LIVING/personal/11/06/date.after.divorce/
- ↑ [v161414_b01]. 8 May 2020.
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/close-encounters/201609/whats-going-when-you-stay-in-touch-your-ex
- ↑ http://articles.chicagotribune.com/2012-11-07/features/sc-fam-1106-old-flames-20121106_1_exes-gory-details-relationships
- ↑ https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-14424/6-rules-for-open-honest-communication-with-the-person-you-love.html
- ↑ http://www.datingadvice.com/for-men/how-to-discussing-dating-histories
- ↑ http://www.datingadvice.com/for-men/how-to-discussing-dating-histories
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anxiety-zen/201603/why-do-we-repeat-the-past-in-our-relationships
- ↑ https://au.reachout.com/articles/communicating-sexual-history
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