If someone is spilling their feelings to you through a text, you probably want to come up with the exact right thing to say. But how do you do that when you don't have the benefit of using a compassionate tone of voice, putting your hand on their shoulder, or giving them a hug? Luckily, our guide is here to help you show the other person that you're listening and you care about helping them feel better—even through text.
[Edit]Steps
[Edit]Be open to hearing them without judgment.
- Let the other person know you're there to listen. Sometimes when someone is going through a hard time, they really just need to talk about it. Even if they're upset about something you did, it's important to listen without getting defensive or being judgmental.[1]
- Try saying something like, "I'm here for you," "You're not in this alone," or, "You can talk to me about anything.
- Encourage them to talk to you freely by asking follow-up questions, like "Then what happened?" or "Can you tell me more about that?"
- Let them know that you appreciate they opened up to you by saying something like, "Thank you so much for sharing that with me."[2]
[Edit]Ask questions if you need clarification about their feelings.
- It can be really hard to read emotions through texts. You don't have the benefit of facial expressions, tone of voice, and body language to help you figure out how the other person is feeling. You'll probably be able to pick up on the gist of what they're going through, especially if you know the person well. Still, if anything seems unclear or ambiguous, it's best to ask.[3]
- For instance, it's hard to tell whether someone is being sarcastic or sincere if they simply text, "Great." In that case, just say, "Sorry, I can't tell, were you being sarcastic?"
- You can also ask questions like, "What frustrates you most about that?" or "What's worrying you the most right now?"[4]
- Try putting yourself in their shoes by saying something like, "It sounds like you're feeling really sad. Is that right?"
[Edit]Manage your own emotions.
- React calmly, even if you're upset too. If someone messages you with something upsetting—like they're mad at you or something bad has happened—take a moment before you respond. Take a few deep breaths to settle yourself, and think about what to say. Before you send a text back, ask yourself, "Will this help or make things worse?"[5]
- For instance, if your partner texts you saying you did something that upset them, don't send back a long paragraph justifying what you did. Instead, breathe deeply, then reply with something like, "I'm really sorry that I hurt you. Is there anything I can do to make it better?"
- If a friend messages you saying their partner just left them, don't immediately start badmouthing the ex. Say something like, "You must be really hurting. Want to get drinks after work and talk about it?"
[Edit]Validate what they're saying.
- Let them know you'd probably feel that way in that situation too. If how they're reacting seems appropriate for whatever they're going through, tell them that! Just knowing they're not alone can make a big difference.[6] Try saying something like:
- "You're right, that is complicated. I'm surprised you're as calm as you are!"[7]
- "I'd be so sad if I lost my dog. I'm so sorry that happened to you."
- "It would hurt my feelings if my boss said that to me, too."
[Edit]Use follow-up questions.
- Focus on something specific they said and ask more about it. Read through the other person's texts and pick out words that seem important. Then, ask them to elaborate on that. This will show them you're listening, and it can also help them sort through their complicated feelings. For instance:[8]
- If they say, "I'm always messing things up," you might say, "Can you tell me more about things you think you've messed up?"
- If they say, "You never listen to me," you might say, "Are there other times you felt I wasn't being a good listener?"
[Edit]Keep the focus on them.
- Now's not the time to talk about your own problems. If someone is messaging you and they're upset, don't change the subject and start talking about yourself. Even if you have a lot going on, you can always deal with that in another conversation.[9]
- For instance, if they're talking about getting fired from their job, don't say, "Ugh yeah I had a bad day too. First my car broke down..."
- It's fine to share if you can relate to what they're going through. For instance, you might say, "I felt really angry when my mom died too. I'm here any time you need someone to talk to."
[Edit]Avoid replying with cliches.
- Give thoughtful responses that are specific to what's going on. Cliches just don't sound very sincere. Even if you're being heartfelt, using a cliche might make the other person feel like you're minimizing their feelings. It's best to stick to a reply that feels a little more tailored to the situation. Here are a few things to avoid saying:[10]
- "It's probably for the best."
- "Everything happens for a reason."
- "There are more fish in the sea."
- "It could be worse."
[Edit]Tell the other person something you like about them.
- Talking about their good qualities might help them feel better. It's always nice to have someone build you up when you're feeling down. Whether the issue is with you or someone else, complimenting your friend's character might help them feel like you really appreciate them and you're there to help.[11]
- For instance, you might say, "I know I let you down. But you're one of the smartest, funniest people I know and I really value you as a friend. I hope you can forgive me."
- Or, you might say, "I'm so sorry you and Jeff broke up. He's really missing out if he can't see how amazing and kind you are."
[Edit]Ask how you can help.
- Let the other person tell you what they need in that moment. Sometimes the most compassionate thing you can do for someone is to ask them what kind of support would mean the most to them. Maybe they need a hug, some advice, or just someone to listen to them. Just be sure to really listen to what they say, so you can be there for them. Try saying things like:[12]
- "How can I make your life easier right now?"
- "Is there anything I can do to make things better for you?"
- "How can I support you best?"
[Edit]Talk about solutions if they're open to it.
- Ask first so you don't overstep. Don't assume the other person wants you to fix their problem. However, they might appreciate your help brainstorming steps they can take next. To be sure, ask your friend if they want to talk about what to do next.[13]
- For example, you could say, "It seems like you're saying you're really unhappy at your job. If you want, I could help you research other jobs in your field."
- You might also say, "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. I don't always think before I say things. I'll try to be more mindful of that, and maybe we could come up with a code word you can say next time I'm crossing a line so I'll know to stop."
[Edit]Ask them if you can call them.
- It can be easier to deal with tough conversations in a call. If they're open to it, you could even jump on a quick video call. That way, you'll be able to pick up on more nuance in what they're saying. It can often be easier for you to respond in a natural, empathetic way when you're talking than when you're texting, too.[14]
- Say something like, "Can I call you? I have too much to say to text it all."
- If you'd rather talk in person, you could say, "Hey are you free to grab a coffee right now? I'd love to talk more about this and it seems like you could use a hug."
[Edit]Follow up with them later.
- Call or text them to see how they're doing. The other person's emotions aren't likely to go away just because your text conversation is over. To make sure they're processing everything okay, drop them a quick text after a day or two. You could even give them a call or stop by to see them, which may seem more personal and warm than a text.[15]
- Say something like, "Hey, just wanted to see how you were feeling today. Everything good?"
- Or, you might say, "Did work go better today? Want to get dinner and talk about it?"
[Edit]References
- ↑ https://www.scmp.com/yp/discover/lifestyle/health-fitness/article/3072562/how-comfort-someone-who-sad-hurting-or-going
- ↑ https://students.ubc.ca/ubclife/emotional-intelligence-101-empathetic-responses
- ↑ https://students.ubc.ca/ubclife/emotional-intelligence-101-empathetic-responses
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2013/05/how-to-listen-when-someone-is
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2017/12/how-to-control-your-emotions-during-a-difficult-conversation
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/couples-thrive/201907/44-empathy-statements-will-make-you-great-listener
- ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/6-things-to-say-to-someone-with-depression-or-whos-depressed#1
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2013/05/how-to-listen-when-someone-is
- ↑ https://dontpanicdothis.com/how-to-comfort-someone-over-text/
- ↑ https://thegoalchaser.com/how-to-comfort-someone-over-text/
- ↑ https://students.ubc.ca/ubclife/emotional-intelligence-101-empathetic-responses
- ↑ https://the-conflictexpert.com/2019/08/06/32-phrases-to-help-you-express-empathy/
- ↑ https://hbr.org/2013/05/how-to-listen-when-someone-is
- ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/feeling-it/201802/youre-more-emotionally-intelligent-the-phone-really
- ↑ https://students.ubc.ca/ubclife/emotional-intelligence-101-empathetic-responses
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