How to Forgive Someone Who Has Hurt You

It can be very challenging to forgive someone who has hurt you. However, being able to truly forgive a person for hurting you can help you to feel better and maybe even mend your relationship. Forgiving someone for hurting you has been shown to relieve stress, so you'll be doing yourself a favor in the process.^[1] Learning to forgive someone can be a long and intensive process, but may be a better option then holding a grudge.

[Edit]Steps

[Edit]Changing Your Perspective

1. Let go of your resentment. If you resent the person for the harm he or she has caused, then you'll never be able to move on, both in your own life and in continuing your relationship. Accept that what has been done is done, by saying things like, “I am angry because __ broke my trust and I accept that this has happened” and “I accept what has happened and how it made me feel”.^[2]
   
   • Accept what the person has done to you and recognize that you have no control over it. However, you can control how you react to the situation.
   • Recognize your own flaws and possible ways you have hurt people to help you accept the wrongdoing and release your resentment. Everyone makes mistakes, and recognizing your own mistakes will help you understand the mistakes the person who hurt you.^[3]
   • It won't happen overnight, but the sooner you aim to let go of your resentment, the sooner it will become a priority. Focus moving forward instead of stewing.
2. Examine the bigger picture. As you move on your path toward forgiveness, take a step back and think about how serious the pain that has been caused really is. Is the act truly forgivable, or is it something you won't even think about in a month? Think, “will it matter in the morning?”. Only you can decide.^[4]
   
   • Include your personal morals and beliefs in your analysis of the big picture. If you are strongly against cheating, and your partner has cheated on you, then your moral compass may not allow you to forgive them. However, if you personally believe you work through infidelity, then you can move towards forgiveness. ^[5]
3. Think of all the good in your relationship. Do you enjoy spending time with the person because they are funny or you have intelligent conversations together? Do you make a good team raising your children? Are you sexually satisfied? Make a list of all the great things about your platonic or romantic relationship with the person who has hurt you. Assess whether the good outweighs the the thing(s) they did to hurt you.^[6]
   
   • Start by noting smaller positive attributes, such as, “they take the trash out” or “they send me helpful links at work”, then move into bigger positive attributes such as personality or good deeds they do.^[7]
4. Talk to someone about the situation. If you're feeling really hurt and upset about what happened, talking to someone else about it can help you gain some valuable perspective. Instead of mulling it over on your own or isolating yourself, talk to another person to help you gain some insight and to feel like you're less alone. You might also get some valuable advice that can help you have a better understanding of the situation, and a stronger sense of how to proceed.
   
   • You might not want to talk with too many people and risk getting an overwhelming amount of opinions. Select a few trusted friends or family members whose opinions you highly value.
5. Let time pass. Another important aspect of forgiving someone is being able to take some time to just be alone with your thoughts. If someone has really wronged you, whether your boyfriend has cheated on you or your best friend has been saying hurtful things behind your back, it's important to take some time to get space and spend some time on your own. Additionally, overtime, you might gain perspective on the situation. For example, in the moment, certain words said by your partner or friend may have seemed especially hurtful. Yet, over time and thinking them over, you might understand why they said the hurtful thing.^[8]
   
   • If you live with that person who has hurt you, you may need to find another place to stay for a while, if possible. If you don't live together, then make it clear that you need some time away from each other and that you'll reach out when you're ready.

[Edit]Talking to the Person

1. Think before you speak. Prepare how you want to start the conversation and what you want to say before you initiate the conversation.^[9] Though you may be feeling bitter, anger, hurt, or confused, you should find a way to delicately state these emotions instead of exploding or saying something you don't really mean. Take deep breaths before and after each comment, and try to be as reasonable as possible.^[10]
   
   • Before you open your mouth to say anything, ask yourself how it will sound or come across to the other person. Your words could be hurtful towards them, and then you are in the position of forgiving and having to be forgiven.
   • Try writing down exactly what you want to say, and even practice in front of a mirror, to get it exactly how you want.
2. Express your feelings. As part of your conversation, tell the other person how his or her actions made you feel. Be as honest as possible, expressing the pain you have been going through.^[11] Be open about your feelings to show that the person has really hurt you and that you have had a hard time dealing with it. Make eye contact and speak slowly, showing that you really mean what you say.
   
   • Use “I statements” such as “I felt hurt when you cheated on me because I've been loyal and devoted, and I thought you felt the same way." Or, “I felt upset when you were gossiping about me because I don’t think I have done anything to deserve it.”
   • Use the general formula of, “I felt__ when __ because __”. Focus on expressing your feelings instead of the negative things they did.
3. Listen to their side of the story. There are always two sides to a coin. Hear the other person out and listen to what they have to say.^[12] Let the person talk without interrupting them, and try to see the situation from his or her side of the story.^[13]
   
   • To be a good listener, make eye contact, put away distractions such as your phone, and be open minded. Also, try to provide appropriate feedback by asking clarifying question or paraphrasing what they said.
   • For example, after they say something, clarify and paraphrase the statement by saying, “so what you said was…”
   • Do not be combative or defensive. Take deep breaths or step away from the situation if you get angry from something they say.
4. Show compassion.^[14] Compassion may be the last thing you want to show when you feel like you've been truly hurt. However, if you put yourself in the other person's shoes and think about how he or she may be feeling, then you may find it in your heart not to be so angry or upset with the other person. Ask question and set aside your prejudices. Really listen and open up to the person.^[15][16]
   
   • Empathy and forgiveness are tightly linked and it will be nearly impossible to forgive someone without feeling empathy for them. ^[17]

[Edit]Moving Forward

1. Take some time apart if you need it. Assess whether or not you need some physical time away from the person who hurt you. If you do, then there's no shame in saying you need a few weeks, a few months, or just that you want to be apart until you're ready for more time together. Make this clear to the person so he or she doesn't keep trying to return back to your normal relationship when you don't feel ready.^[18]
   
   • Be honest. Say something like, "I'm just not quite ready to start hanging out again. I hope you can respect that."
2. Take small steps to mend your relationship. Once you're ready to move forward with the person, slowly ease back into the relationship. Things might not go back to normal right away. Hang out only once or twice a week instead of every day or hang out in groups before you do some of the more intimate, personal things you used to do together.
   
   • If it's a romantic relationship, treat it like going on a first date. You don't have to hug, cuddle, or hold hands like you did before if you're just not ready.
   • In addition to taking small steps in getting your relationship back on track, learning to fully forgive will take small steps and practice. So mending your relationship slowly will help you become better at forgiveness.^[19]
3. Let go of the past. Avoid dwelling on the past as you move forward with your relationship. Continuing to think about the past will limit your trust of the person, leading to a stifled relationship. You do not necessarily need to “forgive and forget”; instead forgive and learn from the experience. If your partner cheated on you and you have chosen to forgive them, understand that you can now recognize the signs of possible cheating, or you can think about what may have caused the infidelity in the first place and not let that happen again. Let each event be a learning opportunity to make your relationship stronger.^[20]
   
   • When you catch yourself dwelling on the past, focus on the present moment instead. Be mindful by taking a deep breath and focusing on exactly what is in front of you; the smell in the room, the conversation with your friend, etc…^[21]
4. Decide whether you can truly forgive and move on. Get real with yourself. Admit to yourself if you can't really forgive the person. Unfortunately, there may be a situation where you think you are ready to forgive someone and then realize that you're just not able to do it once you start spending time together again. If you hang out with the person and find yourself thinking about how much he or she hurt you again and again, then you may have to end the relationship.^[22]
   
   • Continuing with a platonic or romantic relationship after you have realized you are unable to forgive them is bad for both of you. You might become bitter or resent them which is unhealthy. Once you have realized that forgiveness might not be in the cards, cut the relationship off as soon as possible.
5. Forgive and love yourself.^[23] A crucial part of forgiveness and moving forward after you forgive is to love and forgive yourself. You are probably much harder on yourself then you are with others. You may feel unlovable or like you have been too hard on the person who hurt you.^[24]
   
   • Realize that you have done the best you could at the time and accept the events that occurred. Try to cut yourself some slack and learn to self-love by thinking kind thoughts about yourself and read self-help books.^[25]

[Edit]Video

[Edit]Tips

• If you have nobody to talk to and don’t want or can’t afford a therapist try writing or drawing your feelings out.
• Find a way to express your feelings-drawing, writing, exercise, etc.
• Kindness can be used to your advantage. Most of the time, the other party will truly recognize what damage they have caused you as they attempt to grasp the idea of someone forgiving them after what they have done.

[Edit]Warnings

• Do not feel pressured to forgive someone. Forgiveness is a choice that is yours alone. Someone who pressures you to forgive them might not be worthy of your forgiveness. They should respect your decisions.

[Edit]Related wikiHows

• Forgive Someone Without Using Religion
• Know if You Should Forgive a Guy
• Forgive After an Affair
• Forgive an Abusive Parent

[Edit]References

[Edit]Quick Summary

1. ↑ http://www.webmd.com/mental-health/features/forgive-forget
2. ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692
3. ↑ http://www.artofmanliness.com/2013/02/19/how-to-own-up-to-mistakes/
4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-gift-maybe/201501/seeing-the-bigger-picture-life-maybe-better-you-think
5. ↑ http://www.aish.com/h/hh/yom-kippur/theme/Learning-to-Forgive.html
6. ↑ http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/eight_keys_to_forgiveness
7. ↑ http://forgiveandfindpeace.com/40-days-forgiveness-good
8. ↑ http://www.forbes.com/sites/ashleystahl/2015/09/17/feeling-overwhelmed-here-are-three-ways-to-gain-perspective/
9. ↑ [v161025_b01]. 7 August 2019.
10. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/joanne-tombrakos/todd-akin_b_1814607.html
11. ↑ [v161025_b01]. 7 August 2019.
12. ↑ [v161025_b01]. 7 August 2019.
13. ↑ http://www.positivelypositive.com/2013/06/02/six-steps-to-forgive-someone-who-hurt-you/
14. ↑ [v161025_b01]. 7 August 2019.
15. ↑ http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/six_habits_of_highly_empathic_people1
16. ↑ http://www.ijrhss.org/pdf/v2-i8/14.pdf
17. ↑ Zechmeister, J. & Romero, C. 2002. Victim and offender accounts of interpersonal conflict: autobiographic narratives of forgiveness and forgiveness. Journal of personality and social psychology. 82: 675.
18. ↑ http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/adult-health/in-depth/forgiveness/art-20047692
19. ↑ https://www.opendemocracy.net/transformation/eight-steps-to-achieving-forgiveness
20. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/matthew-b-james-phd/learning-forgiveness-_b_3728468.html
21. ↑ http://www.mindful.org/five-steps-to-mindfulness/
22. ↑ http://www.huffingtonpost.com/abby-rodman-licsw/7-end-of-relationship-scr_b_5912896.html
23. ↑ [v161025_b01]. 7 August 2019.
24. ↑ https://www.opendemocracy.net/transformation/eight-steps-to-achieving-forgiveness
25. ↑ http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-11454/10-ways-to-forgive-yourself-let-go-of-the-past.html